FALL.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you.

I am sad. So sad. So upset at the state of things now. I really don’t think I’ve change. Or maybe that much. It’s like we hit a rough patch and then suddenly getting back up is not so seamless anymore. 

It comes to a point that I feel like you are punishing me. Punishing me for every single wrong move I make. I try to change yet you take it as me being defensive. I try to understand and you make it sound like I don’t care. 

Then maybe, that’s just how I am. You accept me at my worst or you don’t deal with it all. I am trying so hard to tell you that there’s so much I wish you’d knew. It is not fair anymore. 

My guess is that you see every right move like fetching me as a big deal. That big that it is suppose to erase all my hurt and pain. Like it does not matter anymore. But that’s where you are wrong. It cumulates and it culminates into something so big. So ugly. 

Why is that you keep putting you being tired as an excuse? Am I not tired from working my ass of and from schooling for 4 days straight? Am I not tired for working for 3 days straight? Am I not tired in handling my assignments? Am I not tired from the lack of sleep when I keep thinking of the problems we have? Am I not tired from trying to make things right?

I don’t know what I you want from me anymore. I have loved you. So much. 

If this is your sign to me, pls Allah, make me sure, tell me that it is alright to let go. Although it hurts and it is almost a gut wrenching feeling to think about lonely days without you but I rather you tell me it is than leave me wanting for more when really there isn’t anything.

I love you. I want you to know that I love you so much. I want you to know that I am scared of what you think of me. I want you to know that I feel insecure. I want you to know that I need you more than ever. I want you to know that I would do anything, anything to make you feel better, happier. I want you to know that I can’t sleep thinking of us being this way. 

It is just that sometimes I forget my place. Sometimes, I slip up and I can’t keep up with my efforts. Sometimes, I make mistakes. 

I miss the old us so much. So much that it hurts. You were the last I person I thought that would hurt me this much. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I’ll chant this everyday hoping that you’ll hear me. 

Come tmr, we will always start a new. God, grant me the strength to move on. Give me the strength to remember that I love him so. 

):

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Come on, skinny love.

You give me 2 days of unlimited bliss and then you fail me with the same mistakes. I am not trying to keep score of your rights or wrongs, I’m just saying that 2 right moves doesn’t free you up from the hurt, it doesn’t make your promises expire. I am trying to change and to put things into perspective but yet you trip yourself over and over and again and then you put the blame on me. How fair is that?

If the changed me is not what you like, then I don’t how else to fix this. 

I used to love you with more than words could ever say. 

This heart it beats, beats for only you.

I want to believe that we still have hope. Hope for a love we believed in. This past month has been a long drawn process of downhills and most of the time I am just fighting to hold on, gasping above the surface for some form hand to reach out to me. I don’t feel secure, much less safe in my own relationship anymore. 

Everyday, I wake up worrying whether today we will fight. Whether we will have a good time. Whether things will be better and everyday, this questions yields the same answer. We fight almost every single day. It really is getting harder to breathe. 

I tell myself that I love you and that if I love you I should hold on. Hold on strongly to what could be. But again, everyday, my faith gets weaker. Never have I been in a point in a relationship where the only solution I can think of to every problem is to give up. 

Today, you let me walk away from you. Today you didn’t care if I never turned back. I was sick yet I told myself to put you above everything. I told myself that after the horrible horrible quarrel we had the day before, this was the least I could do for you. I told myself to make the best out of this opportunity YOU gave me. I tried to plan the day, wanting to go explore new places but I decided against it since I had the money and the ability to spend a bit for us. So I did. I brought you out, had lunch then the movie and then dinner. All day, I kept my emotions in check. I tried not to whine even when there are times I really wanted you to know how sick I was. When I  accidentally raised my voice, I apologize because I was trying to be better. For you. Even agreeing to watch soccer was already part of my plans. But who’s to blame when plans get thrown up in the air. I do not blame you for wanting to watch soccer. I do not blame the fact that you were there to support a cause. I do not blame you.

But what I don’t understand is the fact that you had no regard about how I felt nor how I feel. Nevermind the fact that I wasn’t feeling well. You put yourself above everything else. And that. That upsets me. Remember you said that you will always put me first. What is this then? You didn’t bother asking me properly and nicely. You didn’t bother to hide your emotions. You didn’t bother to pretend that you were the least bit interested in sending me home. 

Nevermind all that. Really. Because when you got home, I tried to express my feelings to you but you are not interested in hearing me out either. Whatever happened to promising to each other that we will never let one or the other sleep with tears or a heavy heart? Sigh. You want to sleep, you are tired, you….. Yeap, you get the point. 

So here I am now after days of quarreling. I am just too numb. I want to fight so badly for you but I cannot find any reasons to. There you are, a changed man. Yet, you don’t realise it. You are not afraid of losing me. You don’t protect me the way you would 10 months ago. You forget your promises. I think I’ve given you everything. My soul, my time, my energy, my money, my love, my strength… literally everything. You take everything out of me and you don’t reciprocate anything in return. What am I to you? 

): 

I am so so so so so so (fucking) tired of this bullcrap. Even when I try, things fail.

So this is to you:
If you love me, I beg you to show me. Show me with all you heart. Not your words, not your promises. Love me like you would 2 years ago when I didn’t love me. Love me like I mean the world to you. Love me like I’m your last dying breath. Love me. Love me and only me. I don’t ask for you to be perfect, I ask you to be the best you can ever be for me. The old you wouldn’t put soccer first. The old you would not even want to watch soccer on a date out with me. The old you would not even insist to watch soccer. The old you would not leave me walking away with the knowledge that I’m sick.

My old love would watch me to sleep everyday. My old love would fight and assure me that no matter how tough the going gets, you and I would always be the strongest after every fight and before we close our eyes to sleep. My old love broke promises but he made up for it. My old love loved me with all he had. 

I really have little tears left to cry for you. From hear on, I really leave it to God. And on this not, 

Dear God, 
I know I haven’t been the most faithful to you and I say this so often that I am ashamed. But I ask of you… I ask that you show me the light. If he is the one for me, show me. But if he is not, you show me too. I do not want to be in this state of my mind. It is too exhausting. I have school, friends and my family to give my energy to if it’s not to him. People say this is a phase. If it is, then you let this pass quickly. Because it is becoming to taxing on us. I pray that you help us through this for all I know now is that I love him. I love him so much till my heart hurts whenever I think about the current situation we are in now. I am tired God. Tired of trying to make things right. Tired of believing that there is something more to this. If this is not for me, this is not the path that you would to my happily ever after, then show me. 
Amin.

Really have never been through so much shit periods in just one month with one person. I shall end here for now.

Your’s sincerely.